I cannot shake the pain in my heart that has lodged itself there after news that the young paramedic gangraped in Delhi finally succumbed to her brutal attack. Thoughts - so many, so varied - keep flashing through my head, the driving sense being - how have we allowed a world where this can happen? Where have we as women, men, parents, relatives, friends slipped up, so we live in a world where young men can brutalise a woman as part of their bonding?
From all accounts, it does not seem to me that the young men who committed the rape were sociopaths or psychopaths. They were young men out to have a good time together - as so many young men are. Part of that good time was harassing a girl out with her male friend. Part of that good time was standing together to beat up the boy who stood up for his friend. Part of that good time was raping the girl together. Part of that good time was brutalising that girl together to teach her a lesson because she was too spirited and fought back. I doubt they went home with huge feelings of guilt and horror. They may even have boasted to their friends. Certainly they were happy to leave the boy and girl on the highway, with no thought to whether they lived or died - in their eyes, the young boy and girl were simply objects of their good time, not human beings.
I think what we really really have to take into account is that these were just young men out to have a good time.
And so here is my open letter to all my male friends.
And I hope my female friends read closely too, for what I have to say often applies to them as well.
My friends,
At this horrible moment in our shared history, can you take a moment to stop and reflect, and to ask yourself if you have been complicit in creating this gender-unequal world?
I'd like to share with you some memories and experiences that might help in this reflection.
I am in Class XI or Class XII. A rumour flies around that a certain girl has given a certain boy a blowjob. My close male friend terms her a slut. The boy is termed nothing. I have a fight with my friend - why is she a slut and not he? If its okay for him to receive a blowjob, then what's wrong about her giving it? He refuses to engage in the conversation. My close male friend remains my close male friend till date. I wonder today if he will understand my point of view.
I am at a gathering - at many gatherings - and a girl comes into view - hot or not. The boys comment on her breasts, her looks, they rate her and laugh together. They bond, they feel closer. To us women, the way they do this feels cheap. There is a difference between appreciating the natural hotness of a person and objectifying someone. In the latter case, the personhood of that person disappears for the people commenting - they become oblivious to her feelings, to the fact that she is another human being, like them. Some of us women dismiss it, saying boys are like that. Others object - why do you guys need to be so cheap? The guys tell us that we take things too seriously, that they are only having a bit of fun. If we persist, they fall into the familiar male form of attack - start making fun of the person who is saying uncomfortable things so that you don't have to take them seriously, so that you can retain your position of dominance. In the interests of friendship and the gathering, we finally back off ... no point, we say to ourselves and each other. And we even say, its only harmless fun, let it be, they don't mean anything by it. We'll just go to the other end of the room and have our own conversation.
I talk to girls who like to dress attractively. I talk to others about girls who like to dress attractively. I hear how their boyfriends, husbands, brothers get upset with the way they dress. The argument is always in two parts:
1. Why are you dressing like a slut?
2. Don't you realise what men are like, they will behave cheaply with you.
I wonder why the first question has to sit with the second. If the boyfriend/husband/brother was really just concerned with men misbehaving, is there not a respectful conversation to be had? 'We are going to a place where the guys look at women cheaply. It may be uncomfortable for you if you dress like that - do you want to think about it?' And then leave the choice to the woman. And still stand up for her if someone misbehaves, rather than say, 'I told you the guys were cheap, why did you dress that way?'
My friends - have you every been party to any of the above scenarios, or similar scenarios? And if you have, can you stop and reflect? Can you ask yourself, deeply and honestly, if you bear any responsibility in changing the way the world functions towards women? And can you begin to make the small changes in your own actions?
If you do, you will be standing with us, you will be standing against this rape and millions of other acts of violence, sexual or otherwise, towards women.
If you don't, do not imagine that by taking part in protests, or making public statements, or saying the right words, you stand with us. As long as you treat us unequally, you are complicit in the world that let's young boys rape and brutalise for fun. And I for one am no longer going to walk away saying, boys are like that. I will remind you, each time, and risk losing your friendship. And I hope my female friends will too.
Sameera
From all accounts, it does not seem to me that the young men who committed the rape were sociopaths or psychopaths. They were young men out to have a good time together - as so many young men are. Part of that good time was harassing a girl out with her male friend. Part of that good time was standing together to beat up the boy who stood up for his friend. Part of that good time was raping the girl together. Part of that good time was brutalising that girl together to teach her a lesson because she was too spirited and fought back. I doubt they went home with huge feelings of guilt and horror. They may even have boasted to their friends. Certainly they were happy to leave the boy and girl on the highway, with no thought to whether they lived or died - in their eyes, the young boy and girl were simply objects of their good time, not human beings.
I think what we really really have to take into account is that these were just young men out to have a good time.
And so here is my open letter to all my male friends.
And I hope my female friends read closely too, for what I have to say often applies to them as well.
My friends,
At this horrible moment in our shared history, can you take a moment to stop and reflect, and to ask yourself if you have been complicit in creating this gender-unequal world?
I'd like to share with you some memories and experiences that might help in this reflection.
I am in Class XI or Class XII. A rumour flies around that a certain girl has given a certain boy a blowjob. My close male friend terms her a slut. The boy is termed nothing. I have a fight with my friend - why is she a slut and not he? If its okay for him to receive a blowjob, then what's wrong about her giving it? He refuses to engage in the conversation. My close male friend remains my close male friend till date. I wonder today if he will understand my point of view.
I am at a gathering - at many gatherings - and a girl comes into view - hot or not. The boys comment on her breasts, her looks, they rate her and laugh together. They bond, they feel closer. To us women, the way they do this feels cheap. There is a difference between appreciating the natural hotness of a person and objectifying someone. In the latter case, the personhood of that person disappears for the people commenting - they become oblivious to her feelings, to the fact that she is another human being, like them. Some of us women dismiss it, saying boys are like that. Others object - why do you guys need to be so cheap? The guys tell us that we take things too seriously, that they are only having a bit of fun. If we persist, they fall into the familiar male form of attack - start making fun of the person who is saying uncomfortable things so that you don't have to take them seriously, so that you can retain your position of dominance. In the interests of friendship and the gathering, we finally back off ... no point, we say to ourselves and each other. And we even say, its only harmless fun, let it be, they don't mean anything by it. We'll just go to the other end of the room and have our own conversation.
I talk to girls who like to dress attractively. I talk to others about girls who like to dress attractively. I hear how their boyfriends, husbands, brothers get upset with the way they dress. The argument is always in two parts:
1. Why are you dressing like a slut?
2. Don't you realise what men are like, they will behave cheaply with you.
I wonder why the first question has to sit with the second. If the boyfriend/husband/brother was really just concerned with men misbehaving, is there not a respectful conversation to be had? 'We are going to a place where the guys look at women cheaply. It may be uncomfortable for you if you dress like that - do you want to think about it?' And then leave the choice to the woman. And still stand up for her if someone misbehaves, rather than say, 'I told you the guys were cheap, why did you dress that way?'
My friends - have you every been party to any of the above scenarios, or similar scenarios? And if you have, can you stop and reflect? Can you ask yourself, deeply and honestly, if you bear any responsibility in changing the way the world functions towards women? And can you begin to make the small changes in your own actions?
If you do, you will be standing with us, you will be standing against this rape and millions of other acts of violence, sexual or otherwise, towards women.
If you don't, do not imagine that by taking part in protests, or making public statements, or saying the right words, you stand with us. As long as you treat us unequally, you are complicit in the world that let's young boys rape and brutalise for fun. And I for one am no longer going to walk away saying, boys are like that. I will remind you, each time, and risk losing your friendship. And I hope my female friends will too.
Sameera
Well said Sameera. You are absolutely right.
ReplyDeleteI have had similar incidents all my life, where the risk of 'losing' a friend was high especially after a particularly intense debate/argument over some such "gender" issue.
All I say is if you can't engage in a healthy discussion with me over an issue which disturbs me, then what kind of friendship are we sharing?
I surely hope that this disturbing incident influences our country in a positive manner and persistently remains in focus to ensure that each one of us is more aware of one's words, actions, behavior and way of life so that we do not continue to tolerate such inhuman beasts among us.
Let us find the courage to remain true to our inner selves, where peace, love, respect and equality remain the cornerstones to our basic human foundation.
I hope and pray that this does not become yet another statistic in our records!
Amen Sameera to each of.the sentiments. my husband and I.believe this.process of sensitisation has tp begin at HOME. tell our sons everyday about respect for ALL.and inschools...
ReplyDeleteYes! Well put. But also do remember that women sometimes engage in this inequality, in echoing the sentiments of their husbands, brothers, fathers.Because they believe the world is meant to be like that, and all those who protest, are too 'progressive' and hence harmful for society.
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely .... and often in worse measure, because they want to distance themselves from the 'disapproved of' women.
DeleteAbsolutely sameera. It is no longer ok to hear a lewd comment on a woman by frineds or family and think they dont really mean it. I am sure many people went trough many tortured moments with what happened to this woman- but what astonished me about myself was the violence I felt within me towards these men in particular and the common senario you outlined above.The tears and pain aside, I am shocked at the anger and real violence I feel well up within me, even now. Its not constructive, i know. But suddenly I feel so intolerant and angry at all the "small" ways it which I see men/ boys being prioritised within their families... the boys gets to go to school, if there is a choice to be made, the boy gets to go to college, the boy gets the gadgets, the girl needs to take care of her brother/ cook for him/ wait for him if he is late for a meal...the inequalities do not stop here and is nurtured right here in their homes.. how many families we know still indulge in these inequities.... when will MOTHERS STOP?
ReplyDeleteClose on the heels of this we see women at the TMC's clebration, dancing / entertaining a crowd of mostly men, who then go on to throw money at them - and they continue dancing..men doing their thing; women objectifying themselves- their thing? why? Their profession? their choice? Maybe. where and how do men / boys learn that its ok to go watch women gyrate for their entertainment/ but hands off otherwise? My father always asked us girls to keep our hair short and make train jouneys in pants... he often asked our brothers/ male friends accompanying us " how many will you fight?".
I wish he were alive to see the nos that came out onto the streets- perhaps the protective lion in him would've awakened again... sadly he died believing the world to be full of wolves. He would not like to know we wear our hair long...